In a year of solemn bachelorhood it was my rule not to smoke as it was not the only way to be high on a subtle note. Today I feel I should smoke just for the heck of it. To burn few of them before the day is over or to finish the last one in the pack and throw it over. Guess what? there's a new day which starts all over again and I am still here to begin it in a way to end it. So what changed me from being a self-restraining young man to an responsible adult who cannot quit smoking. Guess I broke the rule. I challenged it in some or the other way.
The answer elusively lies in my question. I became more responsible. I was no more a bachelor. I am a husband to a loving wife, father to a robust child and I have a job that demands more than my smartness.
Why then now, when I should be more responsible and caring and try to set an ideal example of me; that I am breaking bad. May be its my perrogative. This is how I would like to enjoy who I am or a way of me side tracking and longing for me to have a life out of this responsible bracket of life. This is me missing my solemn old life wherein I just cared for myself or cared a hang about me. So is it that I just want to sneak in some of my glorious youth into my clock stricken life or is it me hanging on to what ever is left of my so called youth.
The questions contradict my mind in ways I cannot apprehend. The conflict is pushing me away from the path I chose with a sane mind to the one I am not certain of where it will lead.
That day when my son in his deft unzipped my bag, pulled out the cigarette pack, stuck one between his lips and in his motherese tounge said "This is fire, Daddy" I recalled how I used to smoke in front of him and when he used to ask for it I used to say that "its fire its no good for you baby".
The mind is processing a million thoughts and I guess thats what's making it difficult for me to understand my berth. But whatever I am going through is a kind of insanity we all come across. Incomprehensible state of mind. However that is not acceptable in every circles. Quoting one of my good friend from his blog (http://goo.gl/63MWFw) "Madness or insanity have different forms. The only form of insanity that is socially acceptable is 'falling in love' ". The pressure to be sane all the time can be insanely insane.
So where will I end up; I do not know, however one thing I am sure about is that I should be there for my son untill he decides to make his own decision, till then I will be here burning few stubbs and stomping few butts.
-dPU
Disclaimer: Smoking affects both you and your loved one's health. Learn about the consequences of secondhand smoke and how you can protect your family. I do not promote smoking or use of tobacco in any manner.
No comments:
Post a Comment