What is it that I am afraid of? 

During these times, I tried to identify whether I am afraid of anything. What I found was uninteresting and vague. But I also hit upon a fact that I don’t want to find out actually that I am afraid of something. May be I am afraid that I will eventually uncover that I am not as brave as I measure it to be. 

Is it my inability to face the truth or is it my illusion that I am on a mission that will help me explore the parts of my mind which is in dark. Whatever it may be my findings have helped me understand one thing, I am afraid I will hurt someone. 

It is a fact that you think about everything in a routine life, and what you think is usually based on the happenings around. One of my dear friends (a gal) says that you tend to look at things differently only when something out of the ordinary happens. That means you change your angle only when an abstract force shifts the dais you are on. 

But what does it have to do with my fear of nothing. Let me change my angle, “Everything I fear”. 

There is this girl… (There usually is one) 

I fear I may hurt her… so I lie to her, then I fear if I will be exposed some day, then I start giving bit by bit info about my lie and the truth with all the attitude I got. Then I forget that I lied ever and then start to feel that I am a very great actor and that I can cover my lies. After some days the day I celebrate the “Conscience Day” I feel I can’t continue hurting her and just imploring her for my illicit contentment. Eventually when I say the truth… I am afraid she will understand me and will not leave me for she has not found anybody like me in this world. 

Now I am afraid, and I contemplate I should not have been so good initially just to say to her one day that I am not even the reflection of goodness that she has. 

Fear…it is a state where you allow the situation to influence your decision making power and succumb to the known untruth.

Today, i had a fight with her, I dont know what to say.... i m feelin guilty of hurting her. I always do that, I hurt her with my harsh words and stubborn attitude and then feel that I have done wrong. Why do i do it always. She is so good yaar... so sweet how can i hurt her.

Now I am not able to call her up to even tell her that... i know i will, but dont know when. I think my ego will kill me one day. I will lose all that i have, including her.'

She is my koochi poochi, ya that's what i call her...

I even told her that i will find another gal..... what...... how can i do that man..... what were you thinking ?

I am so messed up some time..... uhhhhhhh !

I thought it would be easy to say the truth and sustain the factors affecting the very obvious fact. But to my dismay i find it more difficult even to survive. Sometimes I tend to think whether I was right, even though i knew i was not wrong all the time.

Leaving it aside, my good time friend has gone away to live a life of her own. I wish her good times ahead. She used to tell me one thing always " Ladki mil gayi to Dost ko bhool gaya" and I used laugh and convince her that thats not the case. Now she's away at a place i know ofcourse. I miss her short franctic talks, her never will i lose attitude, all the times when i was able to make her happy, she was a fool sometimes and sometimes she made me one.

Now i would like to say ki " Pati mil gaya to Dost ko mat bhoolna"