The Day I Shit my Pants

It was 05:00 am and the alarm shrieked like a pig in pain and I jumped off the bed. It was just another Sunday morning; the only difference was that I had my first examination in the list of exams I was to give under the distance learning course through SCDL. After a sluggish routine I checked the wall clock which was smiling back at me saying “Honey you are late”. I had to catch a train to Mumbai at 06:45 am and it was already 06:30 and I was still at home. I rushed through the morning fog, parked my vehicle and somehow managed to be on the platform before the train. My gal had not come either, relief flowed through my blood as I dint have to listen to her scolding if by any chance I was late. Then I saw an angel descending from heaven …. I mean the stairs and I saw her gliding down with eyes fixed on me. I was little shy and turned away and started looking here and there, I know I am a dork. But from the corner of my eyes I could see her coming closer, every moment made her closer to me and the beats in my heart were harder each time, I could sense her closeness to me, her eyes were still fixed on me, my hands were stiff and I could barely think. Before all this was over she came to me and whispered in my ears “I Love You Sho”. There was my gal - beautiful, wet hair, sweet, a small pimple on her left cheek, cute, a little sweeter, and little fat – Very Little.

We boarded the train and on the way had a pleasant time sitting besides each other and studying for the upcoming examination in the day. I saw that the fog filled morning was beautiful to its core and thought it promised a beautiful day ahead… that was when I had an urge to fart. Well I controlled it for few seconds and then gave away. It was a short harmless one and did not attract any attention – not even my gal’s. We reached the examination center in Andheri before time and made arrangements to appear it before the scheduled time. Fifteen minutes on the desktop delivered me my first online examination result – 61 out of 70. WOOO! Man! I was happy.

We both left the examination center and took an auto to Juhu. On the way we stole many kisses, each one making it impossible for me to control myself for a better one. Anyways we shopped for some stuff and I even eyed few hot gals in the market. Then we decided to go to PVR for the new release “TUM MILE”. The movie was a bore and Soha Ali Khan was looking old all the more. I ditched the movie and stole some mind blowing, heart pumping kisses in the theatre. The only attraction for the movie was GO watch the movie with your girl friend and do buy corner seats. After the movie it was lunch time, the PVR Sprite had prominently occupied my bladder space and I could forecast a change in weather conditions. We went to Juhu beach and after some initial tantrums of the great me, went inside Shiv Sagar the restaurant. It was a lunch date with my gal after examination, after shopping and after a movie – a huge achievement. I freshened up and peeeeeeeeeeeeed for a pretty long time. I could see the Sprite worth Rs.80 going down the drain. We ordered dry Manchurian and Veg Biriyani. The food was delicious and enjoyed every bit of it. The Ice Gola we had in desert at the Juhu beach was due since eternity and finally My Gal seemed to be the happiest person in the world.

The trip back to Andheri station was not that happy though. I could feel a boulder moving inside my intestine. I started searching for the DVD of Windows 7 with a road side vendor, when suddenly the earth stood still… my eyes were transfixed on the Windows 7 DVD… I could not move an inch… all the sounds around me blurred and I realized it was too late; I had an immediate urge to “GO Potty”. My Gal was trying to pull me to the next vendor but I did not move. I could not hear what she was saying and I was filled with an instant emotion of “SHIT What have I done?” I started perspiring and I could feel the sweat start from my neck and going down through the spine… Some how I managed to walk and then disclosed my feelings to My Gal. She was all concerned and smiling at the same time and I was like “SHIT Why does this happens to me?” My Gal suggested we go the Mac Donald’s and I could use its space for unloading my vessel. But as if I was destined to write this blog, there was already a long queue. When I reached there with a face as sad as my butt there were people smiling back at me saying “The person inside is taking long, we have been waiting for the last 15 minutes”. I was really touched by his sentiment and shot back “I can understand your feeling”. I came outside Mac D and felt that the turmoil has loosened a bit and I could feel that the Potty God have shown some mercy by postponing the delivery.

We decided to go to the platform and wait for the train. We found a place and SAT. That was when I realized “CHIDIYA CHUG GAI KHET”. The Potty God was laughing at me and could feel the coldness I never wanted to feel.

The train arrived and the journey back was difficult for both of us. My Gal did not want to go back and desperately wanted to get of the skin I was into. My Gal was missing the moments spent together and I was just able to recall the “SHIT” that happened to me. To alter my thoughts I played with the kid sitting in the front seat for a while and took My Gal in arms when the kid was not looking, slept for a while and tried not to despise myself.

Finally I reached Valsad, reached home, reached my toilet all in no time. Then I opened the flood gates to hell. I did it with all the might I could spare. That was the longest time ever in my life, I worshipped the Potty God.

After all was over, when I was contemplating on the day’s events I felt that My Gal supported me in many ways I could not recall. But I could realize her efforts and ideas to bring me out of my situation. Though there was nothing she could do about it but she tried. Lesson I learnt was first; do worship your Potty God well in time to avoid his wrath and secondly don’t just leave your loved ones when they are in deep SHIT.

I would happily conclude “The day I shit my pants was the happiest day of my life”.

How to savor Idli in your breakfast

It should be a Sunday morning, you must wake up around 08:30 am and after brushing your teeth should mull over the thought that should you take a bath on this auspicious day. Deciding against the act you drink your coffee and watch some songs on 9XM when your Mom announces that breakfast is ready.

You eagerly ask “Mom what is it today?” and your Mom with all the love in the world says “Son its your favorite – Idli & Sambhar”. That is when you feel that your decision not to have a bath was right; for how an Idli will taste if you go formal with it.

You very affectionately serve yourself 2 idli as per routine and just look at them smiling back at you. You crush and muddle both of them with utmost care. Now this 2 idli who were 2 bodies and 2 souls have ended up to be 1 muddled idli serving. When you see them this way you feel pride in your creation and you are happy.

Now you pour a heart full quantity of “Sambhar” on to the muddled idlis and then don’t limit yourself on “Green Chatni” also. Looking at them in all three colors, you feel you have done a great job and you are extremely happy.

Then comes the main step towards attainment of ultimate happiness. You mix up the entire heap of idlis, sambhar and chatni and unite them to form a distinctive replica of some thing that only you can create at regular intervals. The pleasure is incomparable when you have finally created a mountain of “idli delight” with your own hands.

Not able to wait any more, you pounce on it and relish each an every bit of it. Your tongue plays with the taste and your brain activates its tasting cells (if any), ultimately taking you to a level of ecstasy that only you can achieve. In no time the entire mountain is devoured by you and looking at the empty plate you are happy.

Then as usual you help yourself with some more servings in the regular equation (2+1+2+2=full). This way you satisfy your thirst for pleasure while eating and end of it all you are happy.

In case if you are more happy than the happy mentioned in the above line you tend to blog it as I did.

Rendezvous With My Ex-Girlfriend

Now this may sound strange but it is what I felt. Last week I visited my ex-girl friend when I was in her city. I was very excited to meet her… guess it was after a year. The last time we met the situation was different, she was about to be engaged to her present hubby and I was just looking at the stuff that she bought for the engagement and marriage thereafter. Wow! I still remember the night gown that she bought and she had no problems in showing it to me; just that the gown was transparent enough to that anyone could see her heart through it however nobody could notice how burnt my heart was when I saw it. Ah! Chalta hai.

I rang the door bell once, unlaced my shoes and waited but no one turned up. I rang the bell once again and this time there was some movement on the other side of the door. With every sound of the door getting unbolted my heart began to skip a beat, after all I m gonna meet my ex-gal who is now a wife of someone I don’t know and expecting to deliver a baby in few days(Ya.. Ya.. they could not wait for a year also. Government should spread Family Planning concepts more diligently). Finally the door opened…

(Thoughts) and my dialogues:

(Oh! It’s the maid; I thought she (my gal) will open the door)

(Wait a minute…. Its herrrrr… then why is she looking like a maid)

Heyyyyyyyyyy, is it you?????????

This is really you….. (Yes damn it this is her)

(What happened to her)

You are looking great, just a little different. (I think I forgot her face).

I thought you will be stouter; you are not that fat though.

The pimples on your face are making you stand out…. (But so many of them… are they giving a standing ovation to me?).

(Where is the maid? I need water)

Hey it’s ok I just had tea no need for all these formalities.

You come and sit with me many things to talk about.

How is the kid? Hope you are doing well? How is your hubby?

When is the expected date? When is your hubby coming?

You will have a boy. I am damn sure about that.

(What am I doing? I should get out of here)

(Nothing to talk about. God if you are watching do something. I am unable to handle the situation)

I should leave now. Got some work.

Definitely I will have tea next time. (At least you should have asked for water)

Sure!!!!!!! Why did you say that, I will surely come, I am really excited to see your kid.

(Obviously it will not be looking like me, why I should be excited)

(God! She is still very good; just we don’t have anything in common guess)

(Wo!!!!!! What is wrong with me? Why was acting so weird)

(Good that we met)

(I should write about this on my blog)

After a long fifteen minutes I left her place with all kinds of strange feelings. I guess I was baffled by just looking at her. She was looking different and I was not my normal self. I think its ok to feel baffled. After all she was my ex-girlfriend. This episode calls for a cigarette I thought but then a picture of a gal came in my mind. I promised her that I will not smoke, but how will she come to know I thought. I went to the PAN ka Galla and asked for a Classic Regular. The PAN wala took out a piece and I with utmost relish lit it. I then threw the entire cigarette and stamped it with my shoe. What a relief?

Woman

 This is for the woman I know I love I praise

I know you are the life, reality, and grace

When on a day I lose, I want to be with you

Not knowing I want to cry, but can’t tell it to you

And when you come to me, O baby with your smile,

The pain goes away, away from me for a whole while.

O Yeh! This is for the woman I know I love I praise

I know you are the life, reality, and grace

Tell it to me the way I want, the ways for me that you want

Leaving away the things I like, I like to be with you all night

It’s the good that you see in me, that makes me good all to be

And when I feel good for my life, I know it was u all the time.

Uh Uhh! This is for the woman I know I love I praise

I know you are the life, reality, and grace

When I don’t have you my babe, my life is missing you in awe

When tomorrow you are back, I will wait for the stars to be black

Beneath the sky when I kiss your lips; I will say, you I did miss

When that touch will make me cry, I know my life would pry.

For this is for the woman I know I love I praise,

You are the life, reality, and grace.

                                                          - Deepu

Saying Goodbye

ROAD MOVIE - The Abhay Deol Starrer

Happiness

I never thought I will be alone one day, my friends, my girl & my job will be there with me always. But today sitting on the bench on the road to the beach, I felt I am alone to the extent I can feel. I just sat there looking at the swarm of bikes, cars, people, all going towards the beach to enjoy the evening. They seemed happy. Are they? In true sense of happiness I can’t advocate that. But when will I know when I am happy. I can’t understand the sense of happiness. Is it viable?

I pondered on these philosophical aspects of my life. Had a fear too, do I need to know the answers to these questions. Will finding the answers to these questions really make me happy. I guess some unanswered questions help us to live life. We wait for the answers and thus live along with it – the questions.

            Guys, Its evening prayer time now, will write after I pray…

I just wondered when I was happy today. Was it when I got to sleep till 10:30 in morning or was it when I ate the fried Pomfrets cooked by Dad or was it when I stimulated an act of love to my girl in the afternoon or was it when I fagged after that or was it when I spoke with Jasmine after a long time or is it now when I am writing this. These moments did make me smile, my heart was thinking and my brain sidelined.

            Friends just got a message from my girl now just wanted to share, that’s weird     “Hmmm…. I think that” I messaged back a “?”

Anyways, sitting there on the bench I tried to call all my friends so that I could share my time and rug out these uncanny feelings. They were making me restless. I tried Srujal – he was out of town, he also shared that Sivish is out of town too. I called Vikas he was visiting one of his family friends and will meet in another half an hour. I called my girl and disconnected, I dint want to talk to her about it otherwise she will be all concerned. I called an old office colleague, she dint pick up. I called Siby, he answered.

            My girl now replied “I have fallen in love again, today, just now…” Stumped I      shot back “How come?” Now this has started to bug me...  I can’t concentrate,          she is up to something.

Coming back to the call with Siby, we as usual started off on a light note. Both of us realized that it was Brian’s wedding yesterday and we dint wish him. We called him and had a conference call. Taking pot shots on him and ultimately making him realize that he is no more a bachelor we hung up. Poor thing could not even react as he has to play the decent groom role in front of his in laws. Siby and I continued our discussion. The topic was marriage. We both as it seems are unaware of a constant desire that is developing in our mind. “I got to get married” As Siby said “We have high hopes regarding our marriage & married life, It will be as if one fine day the church bells will ring for us in a special tone and the angels come down on earth and bestow their blessings in the form of a super sweet, understanding and a beautiful girl.”  Now when we know that’s not going to happen in the order it is said; still we have high hopes I guess. The main attribute that we discussed about is that marriage changes a person. We quoted many live examples in real life. The priorities change and we tend to be more practical (a guy thing). After marriage guys turn to be unsentimental towards their friends (guys again). They don’t care whether the guy whose underwear he used share in an eternity of his life is even wearing one today. Well we can argue that it’s none of his business but the line is just a personification of the great eternity of time. The chat with Siby was refreshing and I enjoyed every bit of it.

            Oh! There is a message in my inbox, God it should be her (my girl). The message   runs like this…“Just now, I closed my eyes and fell in love with you all over again”. See my girl, how I can not love her more even more than this. Hey SHE      when you read this please try to understand why I am not reacting back. I m          writing naa…

Thereafter, I sat there on the bench, exactly an hour after we spoke, Vikas called that he is coming. He brought some cigarettes which we enjoyed sitting on the bench talking about ourselves and about everything we laid our eyes on. It was getting dark and we left for our home.

End of the day I was happy. I am I guess…

Real

Oh this life boasts of unreal prejudices

Eluding in time human essences

Tramping on sentimental provocations

Living on counts of barter relations

Gestures of woven unthinking stigma

Relying on dark shady alarms of trauma

Probing the soul for justified illusions

Answers to life still enigmatic transgressions.

The Applicator Video - Funny

Click Me to View the Video

Con Call Threat

Sitting in the office and after a long talk with my friend and friend's wife and friend's cousin (2 yr old) i am feeling good now. I was little low on account of my non-performance on a whacky front in my KRA. This made me think, that i need to concentrate and manage it more efficiently to avoid situations like today's in future.

However, my chat with my friend and friend's wife and friend's cousin turned out to be a hilarious one. Though I am under threat from my friend (husband in context with friend's wife) which is surely gonna be a thunder down under. A con call has been scheduled tonight making it a dangerous situation.

Aasman se tapka Khajur me Atka...

Issues are many, say; Snoopy the famous pet and its alleged linkage to (cannot be mentioned here), my calls to my friend which raises an eyebrow every time its leaked (i guess my gurl is also having some doubts), no calls to my friend (husband in context with friend's wife) in an entire week etc etc etc....

Some advice to myself... keep your cool.... dont panic.... you have done nothing wrong....you just call your friend once in a day....what can u do if you are inclined towards girls....good that proves you are not gay.... you can handle your friend (husband in context with friend's wife) easily....Why are you writing about it...... PHATTU......what will my girl think........Oh my God! i will publish this thing......

God save the world...its good i m still in this world.

My Blog: My Gurl's reaction to my Blogs

My Void: Do you smoke? You lied to me isn't it... Tell me the truth...Who sang the song for.... when did u call her... how can u call a gurl other than me at midnight...why did she sing a song for you....Do u have 2 gfs... who is the other one...whats her name...u r lying isn't it. Why did you drink....that too 3 pegs in a car... why did u waste money...Why dint you call me if i dint call you...

THEY & me: Who was the girl u stared in the train.... was she pretty....... and how dare you stare her breasts... whose pic is it in the blog.... u are a dog...

08/29/09: How much due u have.... how many credit cards.... we need to plan it out... y don't u listen to me.... i m talking to you...

Hey SHE..... Above all this... and more than anything else...       

My Blog: My Void

84 mm Gold Flake Kings - the cigarette; as it is usually known was beginning its journey to glory and commemoration. Holding it in my hands at ten min past midnight and standing on the door of the Gujarat Queen Express train, I was treading into the void. The dark clouds made the night even more colorless. I was looking into the baleful night and recalling the many things that happened in the day while sending the fumes of nicotine-less smoke in to the air.

A very sweet friend of mine sang a song – Kehna hi Kya (Bombay) – for me a while ago and I was really touched by her voice, the sleep that was drowsing into me just ran out of the train door and committed suicide. She my friend is in love and I have noticed a distinct blaze in her… may be all people in love has it. One other college friend was really fuming on me when she learnt that I got two gfs. The way she scorned me made me jump off my seat three times. My good friend Siby was giving me a crash course on why to get married before it’s too late and that its not easy to get a girl when it comes to marriage. Hope he is right and wrong at the same time.

While having drinks with my office staff in the basement of the office parking lot in a car holding on to the plastic glasses and some nuts we had a hilarious time. The Blender’s Pride started kicking in after the usual third peg and I came out from the car with my sympotes (Greek for fellow-drinker) to burn some air, there he gave me his story a good touching one. I felt I knew him now and that he is qualified to be my sympotes. The story covered the entire run from my office to the station with wild abuses, strong feelings and emotional natural setups.

Finishing off for the day at half past nine we decided to have drinks and enjoy the hard day at work. Of the 300 bucks I had I gave away 200 for my share in the drinks and then a 100 for the soda and cigarettes. I can see myself wasting money and also realized that the day dint have any of the glamour it used to have so why not end it in style.

In the morning I boarded my train, as usual I wished She (my gf) good morning and she dint replied.

Standing at the door of the train at this time of the night I was treading into the void… 

My Blog: THEY & me

I liked her eyes today. So sweet to look at. Thought for a while what if she ll look at me just once with those beautiful eyes. Right now i feel we should meet, our eyes should at least. I was intending not to, but i could see my eyes rolling down to her lips as if i was trying to kiss them with my... suddenly i realized i m staring at her breasts and was stunned by its formation. WO!

The way THEY defied gravity and as if longing for my touch made me th most sinful beast alive. The train was kind enough to give its usual warble and send some vibes to THEM and THEY were waving out to me in bold lines 'check me out'. Wish i could just take off... The feeling; I meant.

Meanwhile when all this was churning in my mind her friend had an eye on me. Her eyes at 60 degree from mine was keeping a track of my illicit act. Th instant i hit the firewall i was conscious of my deeds. The beast in me retraced back  to the darkness from where it came from. Her friend (now my enemy) said something to her in an undertone that made her look grave. She was now holding the grim face and staring right through my eyes into my soul. 

And with a feeling of alleged culpable homicide, i held my face up to her and questioned her with my eyes... i dint knew what was i doing at that point of time, however i went with a line from George Jones' famous song "For if you loved a liar, darlin', you'd hug my neck". You must have noticed that in life all things good or bad happen just a little later... around the turn of the road; now she as the crow flies looked straight into the eyes of the guy siting beside me (that as****e) and with that moist lips smiled back at him (that son of a gun) and with a discreet hand shifted her scarf (dupatta in hindi)  to a penchant altitude.

The enemy now had a sneaky face still 60 degree from mine...

My Blog: Onam Celebrations

Onam is the biggest festival in the Indian state of Kerala. Onam Festival falls during the Malayali month of Chingam (Aug - Sep) and marks the homecoming of legendary King Mahabali. Carnival of Onam lasts for ten days and brings out the best of Kerala culture and tradition. Intricately decorated Pookalam, ambrosial Onasadya, breathtaking Snake Boat Race and exotic Kaikottikali dance are some of the most remarkable features of Onam - the harvest festival in Kerala.

Source: http://www.onamfestival.org/

Wish you a Happy Onam!!.... Cheers

My Blog 08/31/09 1:37 AM

Go watch "Love Khichdi". The movie will surely shake your vital organs!!

I feel i should start writing more, i also feel i should leave everything and go tramping, then i feel i should stick around for some more time, rather i feel i should find the true meaning of my life (bullshit).. whatever it is how do i make a choice or how will i actually make a right one. Will i know that i m on the right path... huhmm.

Who knows...

One my friend told me today "Its not necessary that if you have options to choose from; you will definitely tick the right one for you; you may feel that its the only sensible option now, however you ll not be sure of it until the end".

My Blog: 08/29/09

I msgd th codes to my phn bnkn no to chk my bnk bal, n as if it was waitin to show me tht i m a rcesn struck gringo; dropd in imdtly n hilitd th bal in green 'INR 167.37'. Thn as if th Gods wr conspirin agnst me, thr came a msg frm my ICICI CC tht my due is an astoundin amt of INR 88K. Bingo! sd my heart. I was lil tensd, is it (my heart) goin to stop beatin n stop functionin at th same tim ultimtly i stop livin. As these thots sparkd on th right side of my brain a new line of parallel thinkin was drawn by my heart. Who ll pay my CC dues my PL if i sudnly find myself in Heavn or hell. My insurance policies r lapsd n MFs r peanuts. My liability side of life was more than i cud count n my assets few pair of jeans n 2 watches. Th pool of thots raisd my bp to a high alert lvl...
As th time in my watch (th new timex) made me realize tht i hv bn thinkn a lot n tryin to introspect my life in just 2 Life Saver min i dcid keep th thots aside n concentrate on my task at hand

My Blog: 08/27/09

Picture a girl sitin on th wndw seat of a local train...wind playin thru hr hair in th utmst trance of ecstacy...her heart beatin to th tunes of Rahman leavin bhind wrinkles of joy on her sleep driven face cmplimntin her alrdy scaterd playful hair. Oh! That was too much, bt thrs more... A std nokia sms tone beepd off n she wid xcitmnt ovrflwin her eyes read th msg... It was her bf, he ll nt b joinin tday frm th nxt station. Bt th heart brker is, she is stil waitin fo him wid her eyes on th door; N as th train stopd; out of nowhr came Sanju her old 'bf'. She obvsly gave away th seat reservd by her bag to him n said 'Its gd u came, tday that moron wil nt b joinin us'
Th wind stopd foolin arnd thraftr n i gues rehman ws replacd by himesh!

My Blog:08/27/09 20:45

We al wr gleefuly njoin th tim in th train. I had just discntd my cal wid She (gf) so tht i cud spnd tim wid my co-travlrs. Makin fun of evrythg avlbl on th planet v creatd a vry light humorous envio in our FC coupe. An old uncle (OC) sharin th coupe who followd Islam, evidnt frm his apearnce; was helpin himslf wid smal bits of our humor n smilin btwn his beard.
I aware of this was makn sure he is getn his share of smiles. Th treat had to end as my co-trvlrs had to de-board. I was lft alon wid OC. As th train lft th stn th uncle got up n closd th coupe dor. Th devil in me sprang out of my mouth fearin th worst, (he mst hv had heard of 377 relaxation) lvn my mouth wide open. OC opend his tatrd red bag...
... I was tryn nt to luk at him wid faild eforts. He took out a shimern red carpet n spread it on th flor. He ofrd his namaz n me wrote this write up.

My Blog: 08/26/09

CCD is planin to cater to th hungr moods of consmrs... Readn this intrstin piece of news i felt hungry myslf. At th same tim tht neatly tied hair gal; opened her lunch box. As th contnts reveald itslf i was touched by its aroma. Ah! this hunger.
She startd offerin it to her frnz n i was expectn a round for myself on co-travlr grnds. They startd eatn it wid utmost delicacy n thn th neatly tied hair gal who had super manucurd nails tday took th lunch box n closed it n kept it back in her bag. There it lied not for me all the nicly fried- Vadas.
I sat thr as a VAINOKI (Mallu for Idiot)

My Blog: 08/23/09 crossin over

Me: She bid farewell yet again. Nw i feel i was waitin fr hr cal... atlst she cud hv msgd. Maybe i m nt tht imp or i jus dnt dsrv it.
Joe: U nd to b sure wt u want, wo to tu kabi hota nai hai.
Me: I knw it yar, i alz thnk wat she may thnk abt me.
Joe: Abe fattu u r ful of crap... Use sapna ayega tu jo soch raha hai.
Me: I wish she dream it atlst...

My Blog: 08/22/09

Contemplating on the myriad feelings runin thru my mind, i find myself lost in vogue. Seated in th 1st coupe of Guj Exp F1 coach today i just unwound a string of emotion - Th more u try to change life to suit u; u end up changin urself.

My Blog: 08/23/09

Its midnt, but smtm bak i faked my slp to my gal so that i cud wach a movie.
Aint i an idiot or as my frnd wud say i dnt hv th balls to say it to her upfrnt. Ya man wtevr u say... wish i cud hv dn mba thn i cud hv mangd her more profoundly.
P.S. I m nt gona send th write up to her. Hop u maintain th code.

another after time change